DOWN WITH THE MAFIA
by cumquattoothpaste
Summary: Hat Kid doesn't really need ALL the Time Pieces...what could possibly go wrong? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha... *spoilers - story happens after end game, so if ya haven't beat the game...go beat it, ya goof!*
1. Intro

_She was a pretty nasty diarrhea stain to me. Absolutely NO question there!_

Hat Kid twirled around in her Captain's chair while looking intently at one of the many Time Pieces she had recovered on her adventure, her grip tighter than usual as if it would prevent it from ever being lost again. She replayed the memories of her encounters with the red-hooded blonde girl in her mind enough times to question the authenticity of their friendship. The smug look on her mustachioed face made the hat wearing girl all but sick to her stomach. She stood up from her chair, regained her equilibrium, and walked to the part of the window where a door had been cut and given a handle.

 _But she was only trying to get rid of the Mafia. They can be pretty brutish. so can she._

With a quarter turn downward, the door small enough for an adventurous child with a top hat opened outward, allowing a rush of cool, extraterrestrial air to blast her rosy cheeks. Countless stars twinkled around the world beneath her tiny feet, acting as a frame for the largest still life painting in the universe. More memories flew into her mind, good ones filled with exploding outhouses, bickering moviemaking fowl, and death-defying leaps from mountain peak to mountain peak. The child held up her precious Time Piece and gave it a puzzled look, an exasperated sigh escaping her lips as her heart made this tough decision for her.

She WANTED to give this Time Piece up.

 _I guess losing one time piece won't hurt. Besides, I have enough to get home, and then some!_

A tiny smile gradually grew into a a toothy grin as she gave the Time Piece a send off kiss.

 _Be good, little Time Piece. Make Mama proud!_

With one hefty throw, she sent the Time Piece flying through the sky towards what she hoped would be Mustache Girl's location. She watched as the hourglass relic spiraled downward until it disappeared completely into the purplish, dark void of space. Satisfied with her doing, Hat Kid returned to the comfort of her Captain's Chair and put a determined little hand on the thruster on the panel. Before shooting off towards her home planet however, she gave one final look to the planet where she had so many adventures and made many new friends.

A single tear trickled down her cheek and died on her weak smile.

 _Good bye, my friends. Be well…I love you all._

And with that final silent farewell, she jerked the thruster forward, granting the powerful engines life once more. In a matter of milliseconds, the little girl with the top hat catapulted deep into the vast expanse of the Universe, hurtling at breakneck speeds towards her home planet, leaving a trail of thick exhaust smoke in her wake. And miles upon miles below, a single Time Piece continued it's one way journey to it's new owner, an unsuspecting child in red, fast asleep.

"oh…"

A headache with the force of ten thousand stampeding buffalo welcomed Mustache Girl's awakening, her eyes sharply greeted by the noonday sun. With an annoyed grunt, the girl in red gradually stood to her two tiny feet and retuned the bright blue Mafia Town sky with a stormy grimace. She raised two shaking fists into the air and announced to the world her infernal rage with a shout that alerted no one and scared even fewer.

"Blast it all to hell," she yelled. "I had it all! Power! Justice! Authority! Everything that makes heroes great, and it was all mercilessly stripped away by that…that…"

Just the mental image of her arch rival wrecked her intestines with tumultuous fury.

"I swear, if I ever see that stupid brown-haired pig shit, I will strangle the life out of her and use the lifeless body as a boxing bag!"

Mustache Girl threw several punches into the air out of frustration but immediately halted the imagined attack due to her throbbing headache. She sat on the ground, using one hand to support her pounding head. She shut her eyes and took deep breaths through her nostrils like those of a raging bull ready to strike.

"I will have my day once more, you'll see," she mumbled to herself.

When she felt her headache was manageable once again, she stood to her feet and looked around, pondering her next move. A faint whistling sound caused her ears to perk like a dog. She craned her neck to face the sound and noticed a single Time Piece with the falling velocity of a thunderbolt hurtled towards her. She paused for a moment and quickly dove out of the way with a yelp into a thorny bush.

"Holy mother of…GAH!"

She leapt out of the bush and shook all the thorns off her soft little girl skin like a cat out of water and growled. But then it hit her.

"Oh my god…that was a Time Piece, wasn't it!?"

Mustache Girl began searching for the relic as quickly as she could. In just a few minutes of searching, she happened to spot it sitting on top of a sewer pipe, tipping dangerously to the channel below. With as much strength as she could muster, the girl hopped and flipped over to pipe and snatched the Time Piece just before it careened down towards its watery doom.

"hah…haha…HAHAHAHAHAH!"

The little girl with a mustache held up the Time Piece like a trophy eagerly running her chubby little fingers over it's bottom.

"What a stroke of luck! I can hardly believe it. But how…?"

She shook her head.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. Perhaps I won't be able to regain my former glory, but at least I can use this to teach these Mafia brutes a thing or two!"

She let out a final laugh of triumph which echoed throughout the sewage system. A shot of pain from her head cut her victory short, however.

"Oh for fuck's sake!"


	2. A Deal with the Crows who are Mad

Dirt filled the air behind Mustache Girl as she sped down the alleyway towards her top secret hideout, Time Piece tightly wrapped in her little arms. The smile on her face rivaled the brightness of the afternoon sun, which was now setting. A brilliant array of pinks and purples shot across the sky and danced on top of the ocean, radiating a brilliant glow that could blind anyone who marveled at it.

Mustache Girl skidded to a halt in front of what appeared to be any old, abandoned shack. She set the Time Piece down at her side carefully and reached into the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out a rusty old key.

"I still have this thing?"

She flung it carelessly behind her and kicked the front door open.

It fully swung in then crashed to the floor.

"Huh, maybe I should've used the key instead…oh well."

With Time Piece in tote, the little girl marched into her hide out and reached for the door knob behind her.

It wasn't behind her.

With a grunt, she heaved the broken door from the floor and rested it against the gaping hole that allowed everyone within sight to see inside her secret hideout, which included the rotting corpse of what was once a couch. With a satisfied dusting of her hands, she turned on her heel to face her precious treasure.

It was gone.

"Where the finger bangin' fuck did it go!?"

She took one look to the left. Another to the right. There just outside the door stood a lone Mad Crow with the Time Piece secured within it's beak. The little girl moved the cumbersome door to the side and tip toed towards the winged creature, putting on her best creature-loving smile.

"Hello there, little birdie! Aren't you the cute critter!"

The Mad Crow paid no attention to her as it tried to break through the glass and taste whatever it was that sparkled inside. Mustache Girl's eyes grew wide as rage began to seep in.

"You little rat with wings," she muttered through gritted teeth. "If you don't give that back this second, I will personally take you to God and have Him uncreate you and your entire putrid kind!"

The Mad Crow bit down on the Time Piece and produced a crooked sliver of cracked glass.

Mustache Girl's eyes grew wider. "Have at you!"

The determined little girl laid out for the creature, but her efforts were fruitless as the bird dodged her attack and ran inside her hideout. She quickly rose to her feet and zipped inside the hideout, making sure to block the entryway as much as possible with her broken door. she turned to face the crow, a scheming smile on her sweat ridden face.

"That was a mistake, my friend," she rumbled in a deep, raspy tone.

For every step forward she made, crouching at the knees like a famished bear, the crow backed away until it's rear feathers touched the wall, causing it to freeze. It's small chest rose and fell rapidly as she inched ever so slowly closer.

"Now then, I will give you one chance to give that Time Piece back to me, and maybe…just maybe, I will lose the craving for roast crow…"

The Mad Crow looked at his assailant square in the eye and changed it's cowardly face into a convicted glare. He rose his beak as high as he could and, with a caw of retaliation, he flung the Time Piece down so that it shattered into a million little pieces.

"YOU STUPID GIT! WHY DID YOU-"

Before she could finish her insult, Mustache Girl felt as if life had it's rewind button pressed as she involuntarily had her movements for the past five minutes reversed. Before she could even comprehend this familiar yet still unnerving experience, she was outside facing the Mad Crow once again with her hands clasped together near her face.

"Hello there little birdie…wait…"

She brought down her hands and looked at the befuddled creature in front of her. It had set the Time Piece down as if to recollect it's thoughts which she quickly took advantage of to snatch the relic away from it.

"Ah ha! Foolish animal! What you sought to cause me harm has in turn harmed you!"

Her victory was short lived as an angry mob of Mad Crows suddenly appeared behind their confused friend, every pair of eyes a burning glare in her direction.

She laughed. "What's this? The rebel squad?"

 _Follow me Rebel Squad!_

The memories of finding Hat Kid and enlisting her to help with the removal of the Mafia flooded her mind, her smile slowly fading away until she was neutrally pensive.

Then, it hit her.

"Wait a minute…you, crow!"

The crow was awoken from it's confused state and looked up at her.

"You…you recognized the power of this Time Piece?"

It nodded. It's friends behind him relaxed their stance and witnessed the exchange.

The preteen prankster scratched her chin as neurons went ablaze in her brain. "You know, I could use a team of annoying winged pests such as yourselves…for a price."

The birds scrunched their brow in a collective display of resentment.

"Okay, hear me out. The Mafia have been nothing but an unflushable shit stain on this island, correct?"

The birds nodded.

"And it's about time we got them off the island, am I right?"

The birds cawed in agreement.

"With my brains and your numbers, and with the help of this Time Piece, we can do that. In exchange for your help, I will grant you half the island."

The birds all looked at one another, cawing quietly with inflections indicative of weighing the pros and cons. Finally, the Mad Crow that started the whole thing hopped forward towards the hooded child and stopped right in front of her.

He lifted a wing.

"Very well," she said, taking his wing with her hand and giving it a hearty shake. "It's a deal."


	3. A Deal with the Mafia who are Goons

"This…is…TERRIBLE!"

Way up in Mafia HQ, a group of three specially christened Mafia Goon leaders sat at a long table while another paced back and forth, biting on his nails. Hours in an office with broken air conditioning made four overgrown men sweat like they'd just run a mile on stilettos. Thick black smoke tainted the air with a tar-like smell which emanated from their cigars.

Finally, the pacing Goon paused a moment and stared at the wall. "You three know what Mafia must do now…"

The three seated goons switched nervous glances with each other.

The standing Goon turned to face them and sighed. "We must cancel Big Super Happy Mafia Parade…"

"No," cried one goon. "It is not possible! Big Super Happy Mafia Parade is lone highlight of Mafia's life!"

"This is greatest tragedy to ever happen to Mafia since Mafia spilled chocolate milk on Grandma Mafia's kitchen floor," reminisced another, holding back tears. "She slipped and break back and die!"

"Mafia will not stand for this!" The third goon rose from his chair and slammed the table with his fists.

"Mafia, please," pleaded the lead Goon. "Mafia cannot proceed with Big Super Happy Mafia Parade if Mafia cannot find supplier of hot dogs for Big Super Happy Mafia Parade feast! There is no point if there is no hot dogs."

Unbeknownst to the quarreling Mafia, right above them all packed tightly into the ventilation system was Mustache Girl and the Mad Crow with whom she'd made the deal. With her ear pressed against the vent, Mustache Girl picked up every detail of the conundrum about the Big Super Happy Mafia Parade celebration, and this caused her to grin a quite mischievous grin.

"Alright Pip, " she said, crawling back to consult with her partner in Mafia crime. "I think I have a plan that'll really get us off the ground…no pun intended."

The Mad Crow gave the girl a puzzled look.

"What? I said no pun intended. Don't like puns or something, Pip?"

The crow rolled his eyes.

"Oh! You don't like the name Pip! Well, too bad, it's what I'm calling you."

Pip huffed and let her continue.

"Anyway, you heard that bit about them needing hot dogs for the carnival thing or whatever? Well, what if WE were their supplier?"

Pip scrunched his brow and cocked his head.

"Trust me, if we can 'supply' them with hot dogs, we'll have them within our grasp! All we need is some of your friends and we'll pull it off!"

Pip's eyes widened and gasped the way Mad Crows gasp.

Mustache Girl clasped his beak shut and waited for any kind of response from the Mafia below.

"Hey, you hear sound?" asked one Goon.

"Sound like Mad Crow crying out in agony because little girl with mustache want to use crow's friends as meat for hot dogs," theorized another.

"Don't be ridiculous. Clearly, it was rats crawling in ventilation system. Rat must've set off patented Mafia mouse trap."

The Mafia moved onto other Mafia related business, which was the Mission Impossible wannabe's cue to move out. They crawled back where they came, avoiding the patented Mafia Rat Traps, which were nothing more than pieces of cheese poorly taped to loaded AR-15s, and returned to the rendezvous point with the other Mad Crows.

"You little git! You could've blown our cover," scolded Mustache Girl as she set down Pip.

The perturbed Mad Crow crossed his wings and glared at her, pleading her to explain her ridiculous plan. The group picked up on this and waited for their leader's answer.

"Are you seriously thinking that I'd cook you stinky lot and sell you off as hot dog meat? Ha! You're not even good enough to be food for the vent rats!"

Pip cawed something ferocious.

"Alright, alright, pipe down Pip! Now listen, while watching you lot suffer in a boiling pot sounds positively tantalizing, what I have in mind is some Grade A, good old fashioned grifting. We just need a few things…"

A few hours later, the Mafia leader group were still in their office, thinking of ways to revive their Big Super Happy Mafia Parade without their beloved processed meat dish. The white board was filled with suggestions, ranging from blind ninja dolphin exhibitions over pits of boiling chocolate milk to an excessively disco themed bocce tournament. Unfortunately, none of their ideas convinced the head Mafia Goon, so back to the chairs they were, rubbing their temples.

"Mafia Leadership," said a voice from behind the closed door. "Someone is here to see you."

"Who could it be? Mafia not expecting anyone right now."

The Mafia Goon leader walked up to the door and creaked it open. "Unless uninvited guest have invitation, Mafia not interested."

"But what if I could bring you gentleman the hot dogs you need," piped up a painfully obvious feminine voice trying to sound gruff.

The door was flung open and there appeared a slightly disjointed looking man with a blonde mustache and tiny crow feet in a business suit.

"And how can you do this, weird man with tiny head? Mafia need thousands of hot dogs to feed guests from all over island."

Mustache Girl and her team of concealed Mad Crows stumbled into the office and took their place at the front, every pair of Mafia eyes watching them in complete befuddlement.

"Gentleman, it's easy, you can have all the hotdogs you want and more! With this!"

Mustache Girl pinched the Mad Crow taking helm of the right arm, signaling it to hold out the Time Piece from the right sleeve. The Mafia Goons gasped as the familiarly shaped relic cast a soft glow all around the bland office.

"How did weird man with tiny head get Time Piece!?"

"That is of no concern to you…but look at this!"

Mustache Girl pinched the left Mad Crow, which held out a hot dog. It awkwardly guided the hotdog to her mouth, hitting her nose before sliding the greasy meat product down to her mouth. As she took a bite, she dropped the Time Relic and reverted time back to when the hot dog was whole.

The Mafia Goons applauded their guest and shook his hand, causing the Mad Crows inside to shake wildly in place.

"This weird man with tiny head will save Big Super Happy Mafia Parade celebration!"

"We must tell Mafia to continue plan for Parade!"

The Mafia Goon leader smiled and nodded at Mustache Girl. "Now then, we discuss deal to make hot dogs for Mafia, no?"

The little girl smiled. "Yes…let's make a deal."


End file.
